Watching A Child Cancer Patient

by admin on February 17, 2013

I’ve been watching Ashtyn tackle the illness that’s been fighting her for the past few weeks and I’m in awe of how amazing she is. Now that the chemo is done (for the first round) and the horrible side effects have started showing themselves Ashtyn’s physical presence is humbling. Just a few days ago Ashtyn was able to talk on Facetime, make Valentine’s card for her classmates, and carry on regular conversations with an occasional smile. Now even making the smallest sound causes intense pain in her throat as all that’s left in her throat is raw skin, which is common after chemo. There is no drug that fixes the pain. She’s been on a steady dose of Morphine for the past 48 hours and even that barely lessens the pain. Today her temperature rose to 104.9, but they still have found no infections in her system (the power of the priesthood is the power of God and it’s amazing). The most she can do is lay in bed partially in and out of consciousness. The best moments of her day are when she can find a way to sleep through the misery, but that gets interrupted by the machines beeping, vital signs done by nurses, and her own need to cough up mucus from the throat or spit thick saliva from her mouth.  In other words, Ashtyn is living a life that I don’t know if I could handle.

The room Ashtyn will spend the next month in is tiny. It’s much smaller than her bedroom at home.  I guess for now it doesn’t really matter since Ashtyn isn’t really mobile anyway. The times where she does need to get up she has to drag her IV pole, with several tubes attached, around with her. Ashtyn can hardly move, she can’t talk, she can’t smile, she can barely breath, she can’t eat, and there’s no way she’s going to laugh. This is not the Ashtyn I know,  and it kills me to see her this way.

When I watch Ash I find myself questioning my own persistence in the same situation. Could I handle what she’s going through with as much grace as she been doing? Could I maintain my composure when I’m faced with the future that Ashtyn has been given?  Would I maintain my faith in God if I was made to live a similar trial? Would I turn and hate God and claim the world owed me something for my misery? Anybody would hope they would pass these trials but not everybody is given the opportunity to try. As for Ashtyn, she’s passing amazingly. I just overheard her tell her mother that she knows she’ll get past this because she knows that God’s with her. Ashtyn is a woman of faith. It’s not the plain boring kind of faith that every normal Christian has either. Ashtyn is amazing. She’s put together Family Home Evening lessons that are a hundred times better than I could ever do. She stands in front of entire congregations and bares her testimony of God and what He means to her. She’s not ashamed to live her religion and that’s something that I admire so much in her.

In her current state Ashtyn is weak, beat down, in pain, in misery, lacks any kind of energy and faces a future of another several months of the same old thing and with all that she’s still got more dignity and class than I’ve got. She also maintains her childhood status with posters of Justin Bieber all over the walls, her Justin Bieber pajamas and all the stuffed animals on all the shelves. Just yesterday while on my way over she requested that I bring pickles, Salt and Vinegar potato chips and gummy bears. This is a girls whose throat can’t handle swallowing the smallest pill. But she’s still got youthful optimism that tomorrow will be a better day. Today was that day and she tried the pickle, and failed. Her aunt brought her a Frazzle which she did manage to get a little down, but that was after throwing up pills and blood and Sprite.

This evening Ashtyn looks to tomorrow with hope that it will be better. Watching this amazing young woman handle her illness this way strengthens my own testimony as I know it’s doing for so many of the members of Ashtyn’s Army who are paying attention. I know we’re given trials to help us grow but I never really considered how watching other people face their trials also helps us grow. Ashtyn’s trial is setting an example for everyone who’s paying attention. That’s one young woman making a difference in hundreds of lives.

{ 0 comments }

I was staring at all the garbage that the kids got for Christmas a few weeks ago and I started thinking about today’s topic. I’m referring to what we (people) like and why we like it. Do my girls like princess stuff because she has a genetic disposition to like princess stuff or is it from environmental conditioning? I have a basement full of trash toys that rarely get used. In fact, the only time they do get used is simply for the sake of the kids dumping the toys out of the storage containers and then they play in the containers. My point is this: Everything is garbage.

I have a nice phone, at least I think it’s nice and I enjoy its convenience but where would we be if it was never invented? Is the cell phone a stepping stone in our evolution? I can’t help but feel that in another 20 years the cell phone will have been replaced and when it is, what will it be replaced with? Could texting replace phone calls? Texting is far more convenient than talking and cell phone reception is still awful and it’s caused us to lose the art of gracefully ending a call. Instead you hang out on the phone and wonder if the other party just hung up or if they’re still there. Maybe that’s just me.

I’ve covered my kids toys and cell phones. The main idea behind what I was considering when I started this post is that there are so many things in the stores and it’s ALL garbage. I know there are research groups that tell the corporations what people like and what they’ll buy but are these research groups right?

Do we like stuff because corporations make stuff or do corporations make stuff because we like stuff?

There, I think that sums up my overall question here. I’m one who doesn’t like stuff. I mean that literally. I prefer having only those things I need (though I’m not perfect in that quest) but not everybody has that same philosophy. I know people who buy stuff for the sake of having it, whether they need it or not. What drives the need to have this extra stuff? Sometimes it seems like we like something simply because that’s what is offered. Is that true? If so, than is this the minimum of what people accept or could we be offered so much more?

I think I lost my topic. I’m just tired of all this trash that surrounds me. I believe that if we hold out for something better, we’ll be offered something better. Instead, we take what we’re offered and that drives the market to continue producing garbage.

{ 0 comments }

2 Nephi 5:17 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did cause my people to be industrious, and to labor with their hands.

The topic for this post is inspired by my minivan! My van has powered doors and a powered drivers seat and powered windows. Why would I hate this stuff? This is stuff that people pay MORE for! I hate it all. I’ll start with the powered doors.

  • The doors take about 4 seconds to open on their own. That’s about 3.5 seconds longer than when I do it myself. Why does 3.5 seconds matter? Ask yourself that the next time you’re at a stop light and the light turns green and the guy in front of you hasn’t moved within 2 seconds.
  • Next, because they’re automatic my girls can open them with the push of a button. They can also close them with that same button whether they are out of the way or not! The doors do have a safety on them just for that reason, but that’s another automated thing and I don’t trust it.
  • Being automated means they will break and it will cost a lot to fix. Manual powered doors got no parts to break.

Ok, I could make lists of everything that I hate but that list would be never ending. Lets try anyway:

  • Wasting water
  • Dogs off leashes that jump on me when I’m jogging
  • Forks touching the plate (the two should never touch!)
  • Bringing leftovers home just to throw them away the next day
  • Spiders
  • U2 (the band)

<stay focused!!! />

I guess my real problem isn’t simply automation. It’s the act of removing those little things in life that cause us to live. Opening a stupid door isn’t that big of a deal, but it is  something that I can handle on my own. I can also open my own window and I don’t find it any more convenient to use the button. In fact, every time I use automatic windows I can’t help but think how the motor is just that much closer to failing. The powered seat is even more annoying! It takes about 10 seconds to move the seat from being pushed forward to where I need it. If it was manual it would be .5 seconds (the same as the doors, if you were paying attention). That additional 9.5 seconds is enough to cause me to not even want to drive the van, so I rarely do.

I think I’ve gone on about the van enough already. Automation is good as long as it’s not taking place of those things that humans should do. If we’re going up a few floors in a building we should take the stairs rather than the elevator but instead we laugh at those that take the stairs. If we’re moving our piano to our neighbors we should get a few guys from the neighborhood and all move the thing together rather than hiring some company to do it for us. I should start doing my own oil changes again. I’m sure there’s stuff that I do that you all would call me a hypocrite for. Shut up. I’m working on it OK?

 

{ 0 comments }

I was on a personal accountability kick for my past few posts and I wanted to finish it off with this post and move on to my next rants. I’m finding that I’m getting grumpier as I age. I’m actually excited to be that old guy in the neighborhood that’s out yelling at the kids. I believe we’re all responsible for our own actions. This also means that no other persons influence can be blamed for our behavior once we understand our situation. This means that if I’m neglected as a youth I don’t get the ‘right’ to grow up to be a molester and excuse myself based on my youth. If I’m aware of my actions than I’m also responsible to make sure they’re appropriate. I’m confident this post is going to come back to bite me. Nothing in life is fair and it was never implied that it would be.

 

On December 2nd I go to a hearing with the Utah Labor Committee to determine whether I have a good case against my former employer who owes me and many other former employees a lot of money. Many of those people have turned to blame the company’s ethics and are still spouting hatred towards the company. Some have gone as far as writing fake complaints about the company in various complaints websites just to take them down. What these people don’t understand is that the company is already out of business. I’ve personally watched the former president of the company come to my building looking for a job (not to my company, he was going to another company in my building). These hateful people have even gone as far as dragging my former manager and myself and a few other people I worked with down by accusing us of being part of the scam.

I’m not going to get into all the details. The facts behind the business are simply that it was clear the company was dying for well over a year before they finally went out of business. The first day I started at the company they were giving away a large screen TV. They kept up with offering perks and incentives to push sales and drive the company forward. Most of my customers were happy and the company was doing very well. Over the next few years the feeling of the company died down and the prizes stopped and it became more and more of a burden to push a sale. We were still making the sales but they became stupid sales. My team and I watched as we would quote $5,000 for a website and it would sell for $2500. Then the company dropped the hosting charges from $40/month down to $10/month or less if the customer fought hard enough. At the same time the president formed a dream to build the most hideous piece of software I had ever heard of called HIT Designer, which was a Adobe AIR platform and built HTML websites. All the code was absolutely positioned and the ugliest code I had ever seen. I absolutely hated the software but that was the future of the company. My own programming department was also developing a monstrous code that I really didn’t like, and neither did the programmers who were building it, but they kept going forward because that’s what they were being paid to do. In all I estimate the company spent about $500,000 on R&D for these software packages. According to one of the owners that number is actually $1,500,000 that was wasted on these software flops.

I know, you’re wondering where I’m going with all this. Near the end, as the paychecks started bouncing and the company was holding massive layoffs and I was watching my friends walk out the door there were those of us who kept working. The company fired some amazing designers who worked hard and gave everything they had to make the customers happy while they kept the designers who didn’t work as hard but they sold more. In the end it was all about doing what brought in the dollar but forgetting about serving the customer who paid the dollar. I witnessed all this go down. I was even told that the company would probably be closing its doors (though they told me that wouldn’t happen for many months down the road). During it all I kept my hopes up and I worked the best I could to keep moral up. I was confident that we could turn the company around and make a profit. I had great ideas and in the end the company finally started listening to me – so I thought. As it turns out the company was only doing those things that would bring in money but dropping everything that would fulfill that sale. I watched it all happen and I was completely oblivious to the deception around me. Sadly, I don’t think anyone I worked with understood how bad the system had gotten. It was years of compromising and bad decisions that ended the company.

Now I’ll tie this into personal accountability – since that is the topic that I’ve been ranting about. I would like to finally be done with this because I want to move onto my next rant (Automation, the death of us all). As I’ve mentioned a few times I watched my companies death and though I did everything I could to stop it my efforts were worthless and I ended up losing thousands in the process. If I had quit at the beginning of the decline I would be financially better off. Beyond that I can’t say whether I would be in a better position. I’m fighting to get whatever money I can get from the company but I don’t hold a grudge against the owners. One of the owners I’ll never trust again. Two of them I never knew so I can’t make a judgement but the fourth I knew and I still trust him. In fact, it’s him that I based my stand on when I chose to stay with the company as it went down.

All this comes down to one simple idea, which is that I was doing what I thought was right. I thought I could make a positive difference. In fact I know I made a difference. I was able to get projects pushed through and I sped up a lot of issues that my clients would otherwise have been lost in the sea of horrible customer service. I fought for the members of my team to get them paid properly, often at a lost of myself getting paid. Although my efforts were all in vain I know I made a positive twist to the dying company. I don’t know if I would have been better off if I had quit early on and it’s too late to daydream about the so many “what if’s” there are in my past. All I can do is push forward now and push for what I really want. Maybe it’s ironic that I’m fighting to get my money from the company while I don’t hold any hateful thoughts towards them, but then why should I? I saw the writing on the wall as well as any body else and I chose to stay. That was my choice and once I made that choice the blame is put on me, though it does not excuse them from paying me.

We’re all offered opportunities throughout our lives and the outcome of those choices that we make are ours to deal with. There are choices I’ve made in my life that I might like to have a do-over with, at least I might think that now. I also believe that as long as I’m doing everything I can to the best of my ability and put my faith in God to fill in the gaps that I can’t go wrong. We’re all given the same opportunity with our lives. I’m just tired of watching people accuse corporations for not providing them with the way of life they wish for. I’ve seen extremely poor people living the happiest lives and I’ve seen the very wealthy constantly worry about their massively accumulated garbage. I’ve also seen sad poor people and happy rich people. Our lives are what we make of them. I chose to not blame my situation on my former company. In fact I would thank them to some degree. If I had quit prior to when I did I might not be employed with WebConcepts LLC now. I have my job because I took responsibility at HIT and I worked hard to serve my customers. Somehow I made an impression on my boss and he asked me to join his team. Things actually worked out very well because I didn’t give up and blame the company for the problems, though they didn’t end up as I had planned. In fact all the people I know who were in similar situations, including those who were fired, ended up better off.

Our choices are ours to fight for. We just have to be willing to take life as it comes and go with the flow. Control of our lives is an illusion. Though we can influence our paths, where we end up is anybody’s guess. I don’t regret my past and I’ll always be curious what I might have been if I had made other choices. Who would I be if my mother let me join the army when I was 17. Who would I be if I had gone on a mission? Who would I be if I had gone away to school? Who would I be if I never went to college? Who would I be if I decided to speed through the light instead of stopping? I accept who I am because of my choices and I do my best to make better choices in the future based on my past. I have plethora or poor choices in my past that I can use to help me make better choices in the future. My past defines who I am now, but I’m not limited to that definition.

I think I turned to like 50 tangents in all that. My point was to simply look to your self to fix problems and stop blaming everything else. If that’s what you got out of all this than I accomplished my purpose. If you got anything else than be sure to come back for my next post where I spent a few hours complaining about automation.

{ 0 comments }

Personal Accountability: Be Prepared To Lose What You Love Pt. 2

November 4, 2011

Just to be clear, if you’ve come back and you’re ready for your shake – you get to pay for it. I’m not buying a thousand shakes for you all. I was saying in my last update about Occupy Wall Street and how those in the protest are wearing their designer jeans and driving fancy [...]

Read the full article →

Accountability: The Hypocrytical Stance That Lets Me Judge You

October 30, 2011

Don’t judge me for who I am. I’m no better than you and you’re no better than me. I’m to the age now that I can talk about my past and say things like “when I was a kid we did ______”. For example, when I was a kid eating out was rare. I mean [...]

Read the full article →

McDonalds Lottery (Monopoly) Finally Comes To A Close

October 22, 2011

I had a discussion with one of my co-workers about bringing a lottery to Utah. Morally I’m opposed to a lottery because it’s just another way to waste money looking for a dream rather than saving money to get through leaner times (like now). Arguments against me include the need for the funding for schools, [...]

Read the full article →

Finally Ran The Night of the Running Dead 5K Run. Redundant

October 20, 2011

Last Saturday was the Night of the Running Dead 5K Race, finally. I say I hate running and I’m not kidding, but I do like running the 5k Races. I only have to run for 30 minutes and it’s over and it’s always like a party afterwards. This year I ran alone… that is if [...]

Read the full article →

Night of the Running Dead 5k Race – I Hate Running!

September 25, 2011

I last wrote about the benefits of using hot sauce as a way to avoid getting sick, which still is proving to work for me. I can’t remember the last time I got sick. However, all my comments were unfounded and based on my own observations. The other day I was visiting a neighbor and [...]

Read the full article →

Hot Sauce: Prevents the Cold, The Flu and Bland Taste!

August 25, 2011

I’ve never been one to get sick easily. However, every year during the winter months I would get a cold that would last for at least a month. My annual Cold was never bad enough to shut me down or cause me to miss work, but I would prefer to simply not get sick if [...]

Read the full article →