You know the feeling you get when everything feels like it’s crushing down on you? That’s me for the past few weeks. Something has to happen soon, or rather something will happen soon. I’m in a bad position though, I don’t know what the reason for this overwhelming pressure is. I know that I can’t seem to get organized at work, the kids prevent my home from being organized, traffic lacks all forms of organization… I think I’m starting to see a pattern here. I’m surrounded by chaos and I have no control to change it.
I see people all around me who have the ability to control their existence. How do they do it? Could I be wrong, could they be faking it? If so, I’m not sure I could fabricate an attitude of tenacity the way I’ve seen from others. I tend to say what’s on my mind, sometimes to my trepidation, other times it turns into something awesome.
I used to have a filter on what I said, then I got a job at a print shop with a guy named Rich. Rich had no filter, he had no pride either. At least not the kind of pride that keeps you from telling anybody walking by about your recent experience in the bathroom. I spent 7 years at a print press with Rich no less than 3 feet away from me. I suspect he rubbed off on me. I’ve had other amazing friends, 1 of which became my wife, who I know for a fact have helped me to stop thinking so much about what I say before it gets out.
This hasn’t worked out so well for my wife when it comes to the in-laws or for my employment – or maybe it has. I still have a job and a large portion of my job is speaking with already upset clients. I have managed to calm almost every fire that comes my way. Perhaps speaking the truth has a calming effect.
That’s all irrelevant, but I’ve already typed it up so I’m not deleting it. I’ll return to the reason for this overwhelming crushing feeling I’ve had lately. My employer is doing things that could be considered unethical if not illegal, but I don’t believe they have the ability to do anything else. We still have the boys and all signs indicate we’ll have them for longer than we agreed to have them. The boys are starting to get attached to us, which I really didn’t want to happen. They need to think of their parents as ‘mom and dad’, not Natalie and I. I try to think of myself at that age. Unfortunately all I see of myself was that I was a perfect kid. I suspect that wasn’t the case, but since nobody has said otherwise that’s what I’m going to assume.
I like organization. You wouldn’t guess it by looking at my home but if you give me 8 hours alone with my music blasting I’ll clean the entire home and organize everything so well Martha Stewart would be jealous. I don’t mean the kind of organization where you move things around so they fit nicely in their place either. When I organize I trash everything that has no function or purpose. I’ll even throw away stuff that I’m still using if it bothers me. If I was given the option I would throw out my couches, most the kids toys, most my clothes (and Natalie’s clothes), and so much more.
My home is chaotic. Three extra boys in an already small home is enough to drive anybody mad. Winter didn’t help. Everyone would at least go outside in the summer and we could keep some of the house clean. Not now though, the kids throw everything anywhere. Like me, Aubrie was born with a disposition towards organization. She will sort out the change she has from her piggy bank, she sorts her M&M’s into colours, she sorts out her toys. Sadly, she likes to collect all her toys together in the middle of our front room and organize everything there.
I really don’t stand a chance of having my home clean again for a long time. I wish I could just let it go and not care, but it’s in my nature to want a clean home. Sadly, it’s futile to try to clean it. The kids will mess it up immedietely. Logically, I have no choice but to just sit back and let whatever happens, happen. I’ll put my trust in God as I usually do (sometimes I forget and actually think that I can do amazing things on my own) and hope for the best. So far, this plan has worked out well, but lately it’s getting a bit too close to going over the edge for my comfort. I guess it’s times like these that really test your faith as well as patience. I suspect I’ll get through it all, maybe I’ll even be a better person for it.